I quit. Cold & Quick.

And then life past by me.

That is a statement I would never want to repeat in my life. It's almost tragic just thinking about it. Life passing by in an almost casual way, but there's nothing casual about it when it happens. Not something to take lightly, with people moving on, going on with life the way they should. While I just sit and watch as life pass by me, thinking of all the things I could have done. Indifference has overcome me for these years, and it's a sick haze constantly covering me. I feel safe with indifference a familiarity I find from nothing else. With indifference, I need not worry. Till life past by me. all the drawings I've skipped out on. It's easy to critique but actually doing something takes effort, effort I've lost of these years. Where's the motivation? Having all the inspiration around but no motivation to encourage it a wasted gift. I'm truly destructive, there is no excuse, I haven't learned over the years, perfected the things I should have mastered. I'm scared, and I still don't care. I have acknowledge this, but I still make no attempt at fixing this. Someday day I'll...perhaps young and well? What's next? Oh well. This is disgusting.
 Posting this so I can have a completed  fourth, and for my productive summer list which I'll re post eventually.

This was the original  post I never got to posting in May, and I almost feel guilty. But not really. Ok.

Repost: Summer Loving

Can't help but fall in love with summer, even if I have preference for the cold. There's just so much to do and I'm going to throw it out. Study music theory, playing the keyboards, roller coasters, origami,  baking, cooking ( half the things I make don't look edible but taste "dynamite") I made my sister nutella crepes sprinkled with powder sugar, don't like nutella myself though. Continuing, sewing, frozen yogurt,  nerf guns, realm of the mad god, mmorpgs, volunteering !!books galore, alternative dance classes, the magic box, dress up,  Looking for something but not really sure what it is? I'll list more but as for right now that's pretty much the month of june, and I'll add room for july(parkour noob style.!) Soo much too do and these are just the "basics" 10% almost. Summer a time for #$@!,  let's see where this goes ha. 6/17/2012

END OF JULY. Things have changed,  no I lied. Not, but they actually have subtle nothing drastic, still good. I talk and talk. She'll know what I'm saying in a year. The only one reading here. 

Finding words.

 Finding the words to say, I love you. I'm sorry. I care for you. I'm angry.  Sometimes it's hard  findings words to accurately express a point. It's ridiculous some would say, there are thousands and thousands of words that have gone estray, surely there has to one, some, or even dozens  that match with what we're trying to convey. It's simple and condensed.  I should start mumbling at people to express what I'm feeling. With low mumbles of gibberish to display my indifference, and  high shrills to convey anger.  A palette of different tones should be enough to phrase what's on my mind. I'll just  point whenever I need something, or even better I'll draw picture. It's just that there's so much to say, and finding the words to say it becomes difficult. I used to be able to go on and rattle with frilly flowery words, making a point but that's just not the case.  Searching for words is a scavenger hunt for the intangible.

 My thoughts and lips don't match. How can one even really find the right way of saying? If I said this or that would that make you mine? would that make you angry? The impact a couple words can make is daunting. Though Words are often ignored when tone comes into play, I could be saying I hate you so much right now, with a smile and cheery tone and it's all okay. Everything so mismatched, when I'm writing a paper, and I see empty lines and I feel almost sorry for them for I know I'm not going to fill in these spaces.Words are so powerful , chose them carefully, and think how am I trying to come across goes with the words I pick?  Have I even really put into thought I how I want to come across to people? I'd rather spend time finding something to wear, which is not going to be anything spectacular.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

I think of observation as it's own glorious contradiction; the process of observation is one simple but complex.

The band aid of life.

  Guilt is the shameless prison guard constantly at the back of its captive whipping shame into the open wounds. To be consumed by guilt is the beginning of a lifetime trial of anxiety It's the damned burden constantly repeating negativity into open thoughts. Clustering our minds with its excessive banter. The face that haunts us with pictures of our past deeds, with belittling eyes that say " I know your sins". Guilt chains us to place we need not return , the prison of our past. It has always been inevitable that we can't change our past. Dramatic as it sounds there is always acceptance and forgiveness to ease this self conviction.
  Having the ability to forgive someone is like possessing a gift that spreads equally and abundantly. The ability to forgive withholds a great power. The power to release those from the burdens of their psyche and unclouding their conscious. Forgiveness is pure healing to those worthy to be forgiven.
   Then there's acceptance for if someone is not willing to forgive, there should be no force. There should be no guilt if there's genuine sorriness. Acceptance is growth for there are brighter days ahead , mistakes to made and learn from, and life to continue living.

It takes a while. I'll finish eventually

Does anyone remember laughter? Robert Plant. I remember laughter as a way of salvation from the moments clouded by  anger and sadness. It’s the feeling of joy that elevates our spirit to the highest. When laughing all there is too feel is free, forgetting everything ,but the source providing our laughter. It's a merit for escapism, a momentary release from the burdens of daily life . We can forget when we laugh, but we'll always remember laughter. In the days of my youth with my sister ,the looks we'd give each other were enough to send us into these uncontrollable fits of laughter. We'd shake so hard we'd fall to the floor, looking goofy with our teeth exposed, feeling giddy to the fullest. Merging from the state of laughter we felt lighter than air. Infused with joy, I'd look to my sister and ask why are laughing so much? It didn't matter, she'd didn't need to answer. The joy in what we'd experience was just fine all it's own, and we'd continue with our lives as so. Though the escape of laughter always awaits a return.  When I was wounded from the ailments of life all it would take was laughter to ease my pain, yes the pain would still be there, reality is there’s no running from it the. Just allowing it not to overcome us. As with most, every hero has their vice laughter is no different. Something that sparks positive emotions can just as easily bring back the damned of emotions hate, pity, self loathing.  Laughter can then transform into its most destructive form unleashing it's wrath against it's victim . Torment by laughter is a common occurrence. What is used to destroy is brought back, vex. That's the Cycle of laughter. Savior Destroyer, Redeemer.